Tag - Fun

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The 20-Week Scan
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How Big is Your Baby?
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How I Know It’s Not a Writing Day
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Twas The Night Before Christmas, Writer Style

The 20-Week Scan

Getting a scan done is always an exciting thing. It’s awesome getting to see how the bebe has grown. Are her legs still little nubs that resemble green beans? Will we finally be able to see her wee face?

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The 20-week scan is probably the most exciting one, because it’s also known as the anomaly scan, where the doctor will check for, well, anomalies. Is your baby’s heart developing well? Her brains? Her liver? Her spine? It’s also the first scan where you might catch a glimpse of her actual face.

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False expectations? Never. All I expect is the cutest little baby in the whole entire universe who comes out clutching a TI-84 calculator (because obviously she’s been doing calculus in my uterus like a good little Asian baby).

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Like Christmas morning.

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As it turns out, the picture we got wasn’t quite what I’d expected.

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Doctor, I think there’s a mistake. You’ve given me a poster of the latest Hellraiser movie.

At least Mr. Cow didn’t seem that bothered by it.

s_HelloWaterColor(12)Oh well. Onwards and upwards until the next scan!

How Big is Your Baby?

When you get pregnant for the first time, you’ll find that many pregnancy websites and apps attempt to give you a weekly update to help you visualize the size of your fetus. Most of the time, they do this using fruit. Which isn’t as helpful as one might think, because of this:

s_HelloWaterColorLet’s face it, it’s not the most accurate system out there. They also tend to give you the exact measurements in inches and/or cm, but that doesn’t quite cut it in terms of imagining the size of your bebe. And it’s suddenly an imperative to know just exactly how big is this thing growing in your uterus, so you come up with your own ways of visualizing its size. Except sometimes, your partner doesn’t quite appreciate your creativity.

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s_HelloWaterColor(2)s_HelloWaterColor(3)And when your partner takes the initiative, you might not appreciate his creativity.

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How I Know It’s Not a Writing Day

Any writer knows. Some days you feel it, some days you don’t. Today was a no-feels day. Here’s how I knew:

I spent the first two hours of daylight with my laptop open in front of me while I stared out the window. See, a bird couple was investigating the birdhouse. They’ve come to check the place three days in a row now, but have yet to take up residence. I started making up stories about them. I decided they’re picky house hunters trying to incite a seller’s war. “You won’t get a year’s supply of premium seed from me, chickadees!” 

 

I told myself to buckle down. I opened my current chapter and typed one sentence. I got stuck on a word. I opened Thesaurus.com. I opened Twitter. I opened Seahawks.com. I opened Dogshaming.com. I critiqued a query at a writer’s website I frequent. I got hungry. I went to the kitchen and ate a handful of Swedish Fish. I craved salt. I went back to the kitchen for potato chips. I wanted chocolate. I went back to the kitchen for a piece of Ghirardelli sea salt milk chocolate. I got a sugar rush.

I sat my butt back down. I looked at my sentence. The stuck word was still stuck. I looked at the clock. It was 9 AM.

I thought about needing to write. I wondered how warm it was outside. I watched funny videos people linked on Twitter. I did dishes.

I thought about cleaning the spare bathroom.

…..

…….!!

 

That’s when I knew I was done for.

 

Twas The Night Before Christmas, Writer Style

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, whom I have shamelessly ripped off).

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land,
Writers were all cursing, “I do not understand!”
How am I supposed to know when to hit go?

 

All year I have edited, polished each word,
December is awful for queries I’ve heard.
With so much NaNo nonsense hitting agents desks,
Each new one is looking more and more Kafkaesque.

 

Then comes Christmas time, and so many will say,
Now’s no time for queries, agents are all away.
Out at bookish parties, full of festive cheer,
They won’t open their inbox, until the New Year.

 

But writers are eager to show off their book,
They must get an agent by hook or by crook.
So they work themselves up into a frenzied state,
They think tiny errors might be make or break.

 

Their betas will tell them, now start on something new,
Instead they surf the net, they must know what to do!
Should they submit now, or will it kill all chance?
These agents they lead us on a merry dance!

 

Everyone tells them now is not the right time,
To query agents, they’ll get lost in the line.
But what if this book is their Jack Reacher version?
That will cause the agent to have a conversion?

 

The book that will make her dance, and shout out with glee,
This is just perfect as a new novel for me.
It needs no more edits, it’s done and complete,
The deal it will do me will taste so darn sweet.

 

The writer checks forums, please say what is best,
Until she has queried she will get no rest.
Chill out and relax, there’s no right answer they say,
Still she keeps worrying through the whole of the day.

 

If I don’t query now, then when shall it be done?
I’ve heard in the summer they’re all out in the sun.
No agent’s at work, work’s no fun, it’s too hot,
The writer’s is really a confusing lot.

 

So many rules set out to trip them all up,
All they want is to drink from the publishing cup.
Can it really be true that just one errant word,
Is enough to get their agent dreams all deferred?

 

Desperately trying to tick all the boxes,
Will this be the manuscript that just outfoxes,
The vigilant intern who knows it’s their job,
To protect their boss from the writer’s lynch mob.

 

So now the writer, festively optimistic,
Redrafts the query showing their feats linguistic
It seems so stupid, idiotic, absurd,
To listen to all the strange stories you’ve heard.

 

About when to query and when you should not,
It matters little if your writing’s red hot,
If the prose is all tight, and the grammar is clean,
If you’ve checked every word, polished it to a sheen.

 

However there’s just one final thing to beware,
Even if your book fits their wish list and has flair,
Agents who say they are closed to all queries,
Should not be contacted and you should be leery!

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